A Blueprint of How to Get Your Spouse to Help More

Over the last several weeks, I have been discussing how to get your husband to help more, and I hope you have gotten some practical tips and started to put those into action - have you seen or felt a shift?

This week, I wanted to do my best to bring it together as a blueprint for you to use when you begin this transition of reteaching and retraining your brain and others to create a harmonious, safe household that is a refuge for you and your family.

Remember Where We Came From

The habits and expectations we typically have as a society include gender roles we were born into that have impacted us in some way, shape, or form. Most of us (or our parents) were raised in an environment that promoted women staying home and taking care of the kids while the men went off to work. We have evolved since then, and women are in the workplace as much as men are.

The problem is household expectations did not evolve with that trend. Often times we see women online who have the full-time job and are somehow able to do all the mom things too. When we see this (especially on Instagram), we feel like we are doing something wrong because we can’t achieve all that successfully. Here’s the thing - it’s not true! Either they’re not as happy as they seem, or they have outside help.

For a more in-depth look at the history of gender roles and how the idea of “having it all” can be toxic, please read my blog, Men Make the Money, Women Take Care of the Kids, How We Got Here.

Asking for Help

In history, however, we do have to consider the role that we played (and sometimes still play). Not only have we not evolved in the household to women going to work, but our brains have not evolved either. We feel like we are less than when we ask for help. Our brains tell us this is wrong; I shouldn’t ask for help; I should be able to handle it on my own. I suck!

You don’t suck. The way our brain works sometimes does. We deserve to ask for help and depend on our spouse to share the physical and emotional labor it takes to have a home and raise a family.

But there is another side to this coin. We have to be able to receive that help. This is brain stuff again. When we ask for help, we have to be able to let go of the timeline we have in our heads for the task to be completed, and we have to let go of our expectations of how the task will be completed.

In other words, when you ask for help, you cannot control the WHEN or the HOW of the situation.

For a more in-depth look at these ideas please read my blog, Five Steps to Accepting Household Help from Your Spouse.

Practice Makes Perfect

It won’t always go as planned. You might be so prepared to accept the WHEN and the HOW when you ask your spouse for help, but then that laundry sits there a little too long. So you fold it - angrily. It happens.

When it does, realize that you (and your spouse) had a bump in your journey and you’re mad! That’s ok.

Then remember, it would have been better if you left it there for him to fold on his own time. If you do this long enough, he will notice (on his own) that the laundry needs to be folded without you even having to ask! It will become a habit!

Over time, you will be able to ask your spouse for help with a task and then be able to truly TRUST that he will do it, maybe not right that second, but he will do it.

Some may be saying right about now “Ugh, this shouldn’t even be a thing. We shouldn’t have to ask for help. They should notice and take care of it on their own.”

To that, I say “How’s that working so far?”

Allowing him more time to notice when something needs to be done in his own time will free up some brain energy that you can use to do something you love to do.

For a more in-depth look at how to get your spouse to notice when tasks need to be done, then doing them, read my blog, Step Aside and Let Your Husband (and kids), Help You.

Understand Your Spouse (Put Yourself in Their Shoes)

Sometimes this gets lost in the mix. When trying to change the dynamic of your relationship, you have to take into consideration how they were raised. Maybe they didn’t have to do laundry. Perhaps they didn’t have to cook for themselves. I encourage you to be patient because they have to retrain their brains too!

Try not to worry about how they do it. Maybe he won’t fold the towels exactly the way you do, but maybe it will be better! My husband started mopping and I haven’t touched the mop in years now! I also realized what a wiz he is in Excel when he created a faster system for me when we were working together! He honestly did not realize that he could be helpful in that way until I was able to loosen my grip. I allowed him be more empowered instead of trying to control everything, and he ran with it.

Imagine what you can do with the time you get back when things are more evenly divided - coffee with a friend, hot yoga, meditation, the sky is the limit.

Breaking the Cycle

I grew up in a family where my dad did most of the household work, and I want to see households leaning towards evenly distributed duties more and more every day. It’s our job to show our kids that we’re a team. We work together to create a household that feels good to be in.

It doesn’t happen overnight and takes work, but the outcome of a harmonious household is worth it all.

Are you looking to develop better communication and connection with your spouse? Check out my mini-course, Stop Fighting & Start Communicating in Just 5 Days to start the journey to living a life you love with your spouse.

Does this blog entry resonate with you? Would you like to continue the conversation? Join Married & Manifesting Facebook Group where we talk about it all. It’s a private Facebook Group where we learn and grow together and serve as each other’s sounding board when things happen. It’s fun, it’s safe, and IT’S FREE. Hope to see you there.